10 Terrible Reasons to Have a Baby
With so many amazing reasons to bring an innocent child into this world, it’s a wonder too few are actually considered when the crucial question is asked. While overall the rate of unintended pregnancy has fallen in the U.S. in recent years, 36-55% of pregnancies remain unintended. This leaves 45-63% of pregnancies still being planned. But planning a pregnancy doesn’t mean the child is truly wanted, or has been conceived for altruistic reasons.
Unfortunately, there are still many terrible reasons to plan and have a baby. Here are 10 reasons that may sound understandable at the outset, but are actually less than stellar excuses to create a life.
1. To Keep Your Partner
Getting pregnant on purpose is a poor way to try to save your relationship. If your partnership is already on the rocks there is little having a baby can do to correct course. It is understandable that someone may think there is no better motivator in the world to get things on the right path than creating an innocent life to guide the way. But there is no guarantee this life will keep your wayward partner from straying or engaging in their bad behavior.
By the same token, intentionally planning a pregnancy in order to save your marriage puts the focus on the new bundle instead of the issues between you and your spouse. Counseling is needed in these cases to find the underlying causes for the turmoil and strife in your love life. Only once the problems are discovered and dealt with should baby talk take place.
2. To Prove Your Love
There are so many great ways to prove your love and loyalty to a displeased partner; having a baby is not one of them. A child is not a representation of the feelings of its parents, but a blessed opportunity to foster the next generation. Babies are not commodities; they deserve respect for their own individual needs and desires. When you have a baby to prove your love to your partner or spouse you are making the most significant decision of your lives ultimately about yourselves, when it should be about what’s best for you baby.
3. To Prove Your Womanhood
Unfortunately, many childless women are unduly influenced into think they are incomplete or unfulfilled as women until they bear children. Even if a woman knows she has no real desire to parent, she may concede to an internal or cultural influence to have a baby. Taking on such a huge responsibility without the passion needed to dedicate her life to it can be detrimental for both mother and child; leaving the new mom feeling stifled and the child feeling unwanted.
4. The Alibi Baby
Because procreation and child rearing are such an integral part of most cultures, and represent some instance of normalcy, those who do not fit squarely into traditional society may conceive a child to fend off unpleasant rumors. Sterility can be devastating for both men and women, and someone who does not truly wish to become a parent may choose this route simply to prove they are biologically capable; and therefore a normal and complete person. In the same vein, those in the closeted LGBTQ community may marry and have a child to try to perpetuate the illusion of being heterosexual; and therefore a normal and complete person (at least in the eyes of their community or family). A child need not be born into lies, or the veneer of an undesired life.
5. Keeping Up Appearances
The illusions babies can provide continue when rocky marriages need to appear solid, or politicians need to appear relatable. New babies soak up attention and can deflect the penetrating gaze of onlookers who may see reality a little too clearly.
6. Government Benefits
Babies are big business. And state programs ensure they will be cared for, at least in part. But some women take advantage of this safety net and put undue strain on the system to keep from caring for themselves. I personally know of two women who intentionally claimed ignorance on the known fathers of their children to collect benefits from the government. In truth, many divorced career homemakers are not being properly supported by their exes and have no desire or real ability to work outside the home. In such cases, creating a new life to take care of the old ones could become a reality to someone low on options. But this doesn’t make it a good reason.
7. To Do Your Duty
Many cultures go beyond passive expectation and put palpable pressure on a woman to procreate. Child rearing is seen as her social, marital and biological obligation. She may even be harassed or ostracized for not fulfilling her earthly duties. She is seen as selfish, heartless and less than a true woman until she bears a child. Several religions demand every capable woman have kids, and/or forbid the use of birth control to all but ensure pregnancy. And even if your community or faith doesn’t insist you have a baby, your husband or family may. Don’t let guilt trip up your life plan and shame you into conceiving a child you don’t truly want.
8. Elder Care
Many traditional and rural cultures take a utilitarian approach to child rearing. China is infamous for requiring adult children to take care of their elders. This creates a system that encourages couples to have kids they do not want simply so there is someone in the family to assist them in old age. For better or worse, westernization is challenging this tradition and more industrialized ways to care for elder parents has a strong hold in North America. Creating a life who is obligated to you in age old is not a good reason to have a child.
9. Replacement Child
Losing a child is probably the most devastating experience any person could go through. The opportunity to regain a piece of what was lost may make having another baby an attractive option. But filling the hole that a passed child leaves can never truly happen. A new child can fill a house with joy, excitement and love again, but there is no replacing what was lost. Having a new life will not mask the pain of letting go of the old one. And every child deserves to be born because they are wanted, not because their parents want something they can never have.
10. Savior Sibling
Similarly, some parents of sick kids feel they must have a second child to save the first. Certain forms of cancer, anemia, organ failure or other illnesses can leave parents desperate for a genetic match they themselves may not be able to make. Donor lists are backed up and have long waits; there is no guarantee the child will be alive by the time a match is found. It may be a hard truth to face, but signing up a sibling to be a medical miracle for your first born is an unfair fate no baby should have to face. If you were planning on having a second child regardless of the first child’s illness, and are not prescribing years of pain and hospital stays for your second born, expanding your family may not be so bad. But if this new baby’s main purpose is to save their sister or brother, you may be trudging into muddy moral territory.
Based on the 2004 novel by author Jodi PIcoult, the 2009 theatrical release of “My Sister’s Keeper” chronicles a teen’s lawsuit against her parents for the right to her own body after being charged with saving her ailing sister. Although a fictional tale, the “genetically engineered child” debate closely resembles the stories of the Ayala and Nash sisters; both of whom were born to save their elder siblings.
When it comes to having a baby the planning process can be just the tip of the iceberg, but it’s often the most important part of a long line of choices. Many do not truly think of a child as the person they will become, only as a means to an end or life currency. A child is precious and needs to be seen as an independent soul with their own life to live, destiny to fulfill and dreams to achieve. Satisfying an expectation, avoiding ostracization, or attaining the immediate and future social or material gains of having a baby should be low down on the list, if considered at all.
Unfortunately, there are still many terrible reasons to plan and have a baby. Here are 10 reasons that may sound understandable at the outset, but are actually less than stellar excuses to create a life.
1. To Keep Your Partner
Getting pregnant on purpose is a poor way to try to save your relationship. If your partnership is already on the rocks there is little having a baby can do to correct course. It is understandable that someone may think there is no better motivator in the world to get things on the right path than creating an innocent life to guide the way. But there is no guarantee this life will keep your wayward partner from straying or engaging in their bad behavior.
By the same token, intentionally planning a pregnancy in order to save your marriage puts the focus on the new bundle instead of the issues between you and your spouse. Counseling is needed in these cases to find the underlying causes for the turmoil and strife in your love life. Only once the problems are discovered and dealt with should baby talk take place.
2. To Prove Your Love
There are so many great ways to prove your love and loyalty to a displeased partner; having a baby is not one of them. A child is not a representation of the feelings of its parents, but a blessed opportunity to foster the next generation. Babies are not commodities; they deserve respect for their own individual needs and desires. When you have a baby to prove your love to your partner or spouse you are making the most significant decision of your lives ultimately about yourselves, when it should be about what’s best for you baby.
3. To Prove Your Womanhood
Unfortunately, many childless women are unduly influenced into think they are incomplete or unfulfilled as women until they bear children. Even if a woman knows she has no real desire to parent, she may concede to an internal or cultural influence to have a baby. Taking on such a huge responsibility without the passion needed to dedicate her life to it can be detrimental for both mother and child; leaving the new mom feeling stifled and the child feeling unwanted.
4. The Alibi Baby
Because procreation and child rearing are such an integral part of most cultures, and represent some instance of normalcy, those who do not fit squarely into traditional society may conceive a child to fend off unpleasant rumors. Sterility can be devastating for both men and women, and someone who does not truly wish to become a parent may choose this route simply to prove they are biologically capable; and therefore a normal and complete person. In the same vein, those in the closeted LGBTQ community may marry and have a child to try to perpetuate the illusion of being heterosexual; and therefore a normal and complete person (at least in the eyes of their community or family). A child need not be born into lies, or the veneer of an undesired life.
5. Keeping Up Appearances
The illusions babies can provide continue when rocky marriages need to appear solid, or politicians need to appear relatable. New babies soak up attention and can deflect the penetrating gaze of onlookers who may see reality a little too clearly.
6. Government Benefits
Babies are big business. And state programs ensure they will be cared for, at least in part. But some women take advantage of this safety net and put undue strain on the system to keep from caring for themselves. I personally know of two women who intentionally claimed ignorance on the known fathers of their children to collect benefits from the government. In truth, many divorced career homemakers are not being properly supported by their exes and have no desire or real ability to work outside the home. In such cases, creating a new life to take care of the old ones could become a reality to someone low on options. But this doesn’t make it a good reason.
7. To Do Your Duty
Many cultures go beyond passive expectation and put palpable pressure on a woman to procreate. Child rearing is seen as her social, marital and biological obligation. She may even be harassed or ostracized for not fulfilling her earthly duties. She is seen as selfish, heartless and less than a true woman until she bears a child. Several religions demand every capable woman have kids, and/or forbid the use of birth control to all but ensure pregnancy. And even if your community or faith doesn’t insist you have a baby, your husband or family may. Don’t let guilt trip up your life plan and shame you into conceiving a child you don’t truly want.
8. Elder Care
Many traditional and rural cultures take a utilitarian approach to child rearing. China is infamous for requiring adult children to take care of their elders. This creates a system that encourages couples to have kids they do not want simply so there is someone in the family to assist them in old age. For better or worse, westernization is challenging this tradition and more industrialized ways to care for elder parents has a strong hold in North America. Creating a life who is obligated to you in age old is not a good reason to have a child.
9. Replacement Child
Losing a child is probably the most devastating experience any person could go through. The opportunity to regain a piece of what was lost may make having another baby an attractive option. But filling the hole that a passed child leaves can never truly happen. A new child can fill a house with joy, excitement and love again, but there is no replacing what was lost. Having a new life will not mask the pain of letting go of the old one. And every child deserves to be born because they are wanted, not because their parents want something they can never have.
10. Savior Sibling
Similarly, some parents of sick kids feel they must have a second child to save the first. Certain forms of cancer, anemia, organ failure or other illnesses can leave parents desperate for a genetic match they themselves may not be able to make. Donor lists are backed up and have long waits; there is no guarantee the child will be alive by the time a match is found. It may be a hard truth to face, but signing up a sibling to be a medical miracle for your first born is an unfair fate no baby should have to face. If you were planning on having a second child regardless of the first child’s illness, and are not prescribing years of pain and hospital stays for your second born, expanding your family may not be so bad. But if this new baby’s main purpose is to save their sister or brother, you may be trudging into muddy moral territory.
Based on the 2004 novel by author Jodi PIcoult, the 2009 theatrical release of “My Sister’s Keeper” chronicles a teen’s lawsuit against her parents for the right to her own body after being charged with saving her ailing sister. Although a fictional tale, the “genetically engineered child” debate closely resembles the stories of the Ayala and Nash sisters; both of whom were born to save their elder siblings.
When it comes to having a baby the planning process can be just the tip of the iceberg, but it’s often the most important part of a long line of choices. Many do not truly think of a child as the person they will become, only as a means to an end or life currency. A child is precious and needs to be seen as an independent soul with their own life to live, destiny to fulfill and dreams to achieve. Satisfying an expectation, avoiding ostracization, or attaining the immediate and future social or material gains of having a baby should be low down on the list, if considered at all.
